Stroke

December 30th was a good day. But the last good day. 

It was the beginning of a descent into incoherency. I saw the signs and willfully ignored them. 

Wrought with guilt, I feel numb with regret. I betrayed the confidence and responsibility entrusted to me. 

It's too late now. At 6:43 p.m. on New Year's Eve, I called the ambulance but the damage was done. 

Life has changed course in only a day. Any hopes or aspirations I ever had are gone. Conditions can only get worse from herein.

I know that self pity does no one any good. But it's hard to shake it off. I truly wonder if I should haven't been born. 

Everyone I know has suffered from associating with me. 

Shonan Bay

Nijigahama Beach in Hiratsuka is about a 40-minute walk from Hiratsuka Station on the Tokaido Main Line, which is about an hour train ride from Tokyo Station. 

The beach is not appealing to beach goers or sunbathers due to the lack of easy access. Thus, local officials don't spend to much effort or dedicate many resources to keeping the beach clean of debris that washes up on shore. 

The sand is pretty much like most beaches on the Bay of Shonan: sticky and black. 

For these reasons, this mostly deserted beach is great for fishing, or for playing catch and disk with your dog since there  are no other beach goers in sight except for a lone fisherman casting nets.

On a clear day, you might even be able to catch a glimpse of Mt. Fuji in all her glory. Regardless, I like this beach a lot for the simple reasons that it is not rocky, and that there are no crowds!

Skeleton

Take the soul, bleed it, and devour.

Grimm carcass of yesteryear bleaches in the sun.

Wind, sand, and ice, erode naïve aspirations.

No more to stand upright with pride.

Best Approach

What is the best approach?

Pumping gas exhaust fumes into a sealed interior and automobiles?

Slitting your wrist while lying in a tub of warm water?

Jumping in front of a fast moving train?

Stepping into traffic just is a large truck gets close and lacks enough time to break safely?

Take an overdose of sleeping pills and antidepressants all at once but some alcohol?

Stop taking my meds and falling victim to the various diseases that will outright kill me over a year or less?

Is it possible to starve oneself to death?

I don't have to go back to work for a week due to the holiday season. Is there someway I could do myself in that could allow insurance companies to pay my depenants a large enough sum money to take care of them in their future?

Long Climb to the First Step

I am 30 to 70 minutes late to work every day. I work late every night after punching out as a kind of compensation to the company.

I am working on a three month contract that is renewed so far every three months. They could let me go at any time you feel like it. I am expected to work as a regular full-time member of the team. But, in reality, I am still treated like a second class worker. 

I am not good at my job. I should be more aggressive and abrasive in my dealings with customers and force them to close the deal. 

In reality, I cannot avoid thinking about how they would feel if I were such a salesman. I gain their trust, and feel good about the decisions that I make. 

If our product does not meet the clients specifications and price, then we have to negotiate. Unfortunately, this is quite hard since we don't own the products ourselves. This makes it much easier for clients to run next-door to a service provider who has exactly what the client wants at just the right price.

And I lose the deal.

She Quit Her Job Again

I get a Line message that she wasn't feeling well and that she was going to the hospital.

Today, she skipped work again and ended up quitting her job. Her condition is a symptom of diabetes and high blood pressure as a result of being grossly overweight since she was a child.

That puts a lot of pressure on me. If she lost the weight she'd be healthier and wouldn't have to spend so much money and time on doctor visits and medication.

Instead, she refuses to take weight-loss seriously. And if she doesn't feel up to working, she easily quits the job.

This is the same cycle I have seen happen over and over again for the past 15 years.

I wish she would just give me the divorce papers and I will readily sign them.